I am absolutely bewildered at the way that sugar substitutes never seem to completely dissolve in iced beverages.  You end up sucking bland coffee through a straw one minute and a hefty mouthful of much-too-sweetness the next.  It's nothing short of a perplexity.

A woman sitting at a near-distant table had her tea served to her a few moments ago.  A smile on her face, the cup set in front of her, then she claps, following her applause with a meek "Yay!"  Perhaps we shouldn't give something as insignificant as a cup of hot tea an audible ovation?  Perhaps I should tell her that there is something outright creepy about a forty-something-year-old woman clapping at her tea?  I'd offer her a popsicle if I had one.

I feel vulnerable and a little paranoid being out after dark without wearing bug spray.  West Nile and all.  I kinda feel ballsy, like I'm living on the edge.  I'm also beginning to feel a little pathetic about the whole thing - that I even worry about such things.

You know you're from way out-of-town when you describe your tattoos as being written in "Greek" and the guy you're talking to thinks you said "Green."  You also know you're from way out-of-town when the girl standing next to him asks if you're a teacher because you know Greek.  I didn't feel it appropriate to go into the problems surrounding international language barriers.

I have been seriously considering moving to Africa to do mission work.  I figure I've spread my smug wit more than enough around here.  Why not grace another country with my cheery, sun-shiny disposition, right?

Nothing more runs through my head at the moment.

Talk about beating a once-innocent LJ post to a pulp.  Jeez.

Today I was confronted with the terrible reality that most of my inner circle is made-up of what I like to call "Non-Readers."

This realization struck me during a pathetic and painful conversation that took place while in line with a girlfriend at the local Starbucks.  We will call said girlfriend "C".  While waiting to order, my friend and I were cast into banter with the loser guy standing in line behind us.  Our conversation went a little something like this:

LOSER GUY:  (Addressing my friend)  So, have you read The Da Vinci Code?

C:  (Utterly confused) The what?

LOSER GUY:  The Da Vinci Code.  It's only, like, the best book ever written!  And I read a lot of books, so I would know!

C:  (Flirtatiously laughs)  Oh, I thought you were talking about some new coffee drink.  

ME:  Oh, dear God.

LOSER GUY:  (Turns to me)  Have you ever read it?  You look like a, well ya' know, a reader.

(Long pause...)

ME:  Yeah, I wore my reading shirt today.  I was wondering if someone would take notice.   

LOSER GUY: (Looks at my shirt like a fucking idiot)  I like your clothes.   Your outfit totally says "I'm really smart!"

ME:  (Mortified)

LOSER GUY:  (Turns back to "C")  They made the book into a movie.  You guys can come to my house and watch it if you want.  I own it.

C:  (Seriously considering the offer)  Well ... I don't know.  It sounds scary .... I don't really like scary movies.  If I watch them before I go to bed, I'll have nightmares for a week!

????


I'll be marking her off my list of "People To Buy Books For."  

I am tempted to create a Litmus Test for my friends.  Those who fail to pass will receive a consolation gift basket consisting of a coloring book, a box of crayons (the "jumbo" kind), and a juice box.